This crewman asked me how old I was and since I had figured out his intentions, I thought this might be a way out, a simple mistake. May be he thought I was 18 or older and was interested in him. For a second, this made me feel a little better so I relaxed a little and replied that I had just turned twelve. Then I decided to come up with an excuse to get out of there thinking he would realize his mistake and we would just go our separate ways. I told him my dad and I were going snorkeling before we left port that day so I needed to get going before he got worried. Man, was I ever wrong. He used this information against me when he said, "I thought you were a swimmer." "You look like one. You have a really strong back." This was the point where my whole life would change forever. He said, "have you ever had your back popped?" I said "no, but I should go."
He kept pushing. "Just let me pop your back. It will feel good then you can go." Completely freaked out of my mind, I still thought he would just let me go. I said okay and he did pop my back but then he said, "okay, now you pop mine." I told him I didn't want to, that I needed to go but he told me I had to pop his back because he had popped mine. He actually made me feel bad for not touching him. I told him I did not know how and he said he would show me again. I told him my dad would be worried if I did not leave soon. He said I had to. I did not know what to do. He was still between me and the door. I had no where to go. No one knew where I was and no one could here me. He knew what he was doing from the moment he stepped into the elevator and most likely long before that.
Again, he said "do my back, then we can go." I felt I had no choice, no control. He had all the power. I fearfully wrapped my arms around him. He said I was doing it wrong. I was too far away. In one fast move, he wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me tight against his body. I could feel his penis. It was hard. He leaned down and in my ear asked me if I liked it. I said "no" through soft, quiet tears. I wanted to run and he just smiled, almost laughed even. The next thing I remember he pinned me against the giant blue wench, pressing hs pelvis hard against my body and started kissing my ear and touching my breasts, playing with me like I was a toy. He took off my dress, then laid it down on the cold, white metal floor and told me to lie down.
Now sobbing I screamed "no!" He said it again but this time in a cold, harsh voice. I don't know how I was even breathing since my heart was fluttering so fast. I could not think straight as so many thoughts were racing through my brain but one thought stood out the most. I knew I was in the process of being raped...and I was!. He laid me down. He continued to touch me, kiss me on my neck, ear, and lips. I tried to scream but could only choke on the taste of my own tears as they streamed down my face. I tried to scream again. This time sound came from my throat but it was no use. He just smirked. No one could hear me.
When he was finished, he stood up and looked down at me lying there. All I could think about was how much it hurt. He must have known what I was thinking. He leaned close to my ear (I was shaking uncontrollably). I could feel his warm, gross breath and then he said, "don't ever tell anyone about this because I will find you and kill you and then I will hurt your family, your mom, your dad, Brendan, Joy and then your best friend, Shadow. I promise I will find you wherever you are." Then he left. He just walked out and left me there. He was not the least bit scared of me or of what I might say and unfortunately he was right.
I don't know how long I laid there, bleeding, in pain, on my own clothes. When I finally did get up, I went directly to our stateroom and got into the shower with my bloody clothes, just trying to get myself together and just tried to convince myself that this horrific thing had not really happened to me as I watched my blood go down the drain. I don't know how long I sat under the hot water, just wishing I could die right there.
When I finally did gather myself and got out of the shower, I actually had almost convinced myself that I was okay. Little did I know just how wrong I was. I actually thought I could live my life like nothing had ever happened. Part of me believed that I had done something wrong and that I had brought this on myself somehow. Victims always blame themselves.
After changing my clothes, I went to look for the rest of the teen group who by this time had already played their ping pong tournament. (Several hours had passed.) I really was okay (I thought). I found the group towards the back of the ship where they had gathered together, just hanging out, and talking to the teen leader. When I arrived, I just joined in as though nothing was odd about being gone for several hours. I simply said that I had fallen asleep. It was not until one of my friends, Ryan, noticed something wasn't right and came up from behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and asked if I was okay. As soon as he touched me, I violently jerked away and then he really knew something was wrong.
He asked me again but at this point it was just the two of us. I felt my eyes welling up with tears. I kept hearing my attacker's voice, "I will find you and kill you." I knew I had to think quick of something to say. By now, I was sobbing uncontrollably. The group leader and the group were trying to calm me down just so I could breathe. I did not know what to do or how to feel. Every part of me was scared to death, almost blinded by it. But now others were involved. They knew something was really wrong.
So the group leader took me to a place where just the two of us could talk. I had to tell her something so I told her just part of the truth. A crew member took me to a machine room where he hugged me, and touched me (not in an inappropriate way) and that I was frightened. She immediately took me to the security office. My parents were called and soon arrived in the office with worried expressions on their faces. I honestly don't know what scared me more. The fact that I had just been raped or that the rapist would come and "find me and kill me" if I told anyone. So, I only revealed that the crew member had scared me and had hugged me. I told no one that I had been raped and they never asked. At first, the security personnel made it painfully clear that they did not believe what I had told them so I reasoned that if they did not believe what I had just said, why in the hell would they ever believe I had just been raped? This was one more reason not to tell them.
The security personnel told me (before my parents arrived) that they did not believe me, that I had a wild imagination and I had made it all up. It really pissed me off that they did not believe me. After my parents arrived, they told me to take them to the room. I assume the reasoning was that a passenger could not possibly know how to get to this room since it was off-limits to passengers.
Jamie Decker
Cruise Ship Sexual Assault
Carnival Cruise Lines -May 27, 1999
