So I had to take everyone back to the horrible room where I had just been brutally raped in order for security to take me seriously. Their face expressions literally went from smug to worried the moment I led everyone directly to the room. They finally understood that I definitely had been to that room before.
For the next few hours, I looked through picture composites of crewmen. I picked out ten pictures of crewmen who resembled my rapist but I was so traumatized that I knew I could never pick him out for fear of my life and the lives of my family. Remember, I was just twelve years old. Security then gathered these ten men to work on a project so that I could see them in person without them seeing me. I was told to pick out the man who has assaulted me but not before the ship authorities sternly warned me to be absolutely sure who I picked out because if I made a mistake I would ruin a man's life forever. One more good reason not to tell anyone what had really happened to me.
There were two days left in our cruise but nothing else was done. I did tell my little brother who was almost ten at the time about the rape and I also told my best friend, Shadow (my dog). But my brother was too young to understand and my dog couldn't talk. Then just a few days later, I had to say good bye to Shadow forever as we were about to move on to a sailboat for the next two years so we had to give him to my aunt and uncle. I was devastated. In the space of only a week, I had lost my innocense and then my best friend.
After that, my mind did its best to just block the whole incident from my memory. It wasn't until almost a year later when my first period started that the horrible memory was triggered once again. When I saw the blood, it all came rushing back in vivid, horrific flashbacks which I still have from time to time even today. I was living in total fear of losing my life if I told anyone. This was the beginning of the downward spiral of my life, a fall I thought would never end. But you must hit rock bottom in order to start the long climb back to a healthy life. I was bulimic and I was experiencing so many symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome: nightmares, flashbacks, claustrophobia, and so much more, but no one understood what was wrong with me.
Two years later, after a friend confided in me about how she had been sexually assaulted at a young age, I confided in her that I had been raped at age twelve while on a cruise. Once again, she did not believe me but said nothing to me about not believing me. Instead, she went directly to my mom who, of course, knew nothing about it.
Three years had passed by and I still thought I was okay until the day my mom asked, "April, Jessie told me you were raped. Were you?" I actually thought about how to answer her question. Finally I looked her directly in the eye and said "yes." Then I had to explain to her that it had happened on the cruise. She was stunned. The terrible secret was finally revealed. The healing could finally begin.
Shortly after I finally revealed my rape, we decided to sue Carnival Cruise Line. They definitely had not kept me safe and who knows how many other victims there really are. We settled my case out of court which did give me a little bit of justice. I have been healing from my ordeal with the wonderful help of my therapist, good friends, and most importantly my family. I got lucky because I have a very strong support system which has helped get me through the hardest part of my ordeal. Two years ago if you had told me I would be happy again, really, truly happy with myself, I would have thought you were crazy. But finally, I am happy with me. I just graduated from high school with over a B average, something I never thought would ever happen to me and I will be attending a state university in the fall. My future is bright again.
For other victims of rape who are reading my story and who are still keeping their own terrible secret, please know that your life really can get better. You really can get through this. I know because I did it. Reach out to someone and let your healing process begin....today.
Jamie Decker
Cruise Ship Sexual Assault
Carnival Cruise Lines -May 27, 1999
